#BUT MY DUMBASS DELETED THEM
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could someone pleaseeeeee provide a patti lupone middle finger gif/image
for no reason other than I want my collection increased
#collection of woman swearing#but#problem#i had two of madhuri and kajol#BUT MY DUMBASS DELETED THEM#whatever#we'll find them again#patti lupone#please
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Blizzard doesn't want you to know this, but the canon Symweaver lore is that they're the future's equivalent of cringe millennials
#symmetra#symweaver#lifeweaver#satya vaswani#niran pruksamanee#overwatch#overwatch 2#i dont think I could draw a stupider picture of them i love them#Satya having a collection of dumbass shirts is the real hc i need you to focus on#anytime I see a shirt I want i have to draw it on her#Niran is the one who goes ew i look so ugly in this photo and shes like this is my favorite picture of you actually#She has every single picture saved and he cries and throws up that she wont delete them#kills me every day that i will never know what memes they know#it is so millennial core to have an awkward couple photoshoot okay#starlight dancing#edit fixed it
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I was laying in bed overthinking, as you do, and started to go on a depressive doom spiral. And then, to distract myself I started thinking about the things I like.
[Spoilers and some gross details incoming, you know what Mouthwashing is about]
So, eventually I started thinking about Curly being in a similar headspace as I was, laying down, incapable of doing anything, constantly in pain and hearing time and time again how quickly things are going to shit and that it's all your fault.
Him replaying his mistakes over and over on his head, imagining the many ways things could've gone a different way if only he had done something instead of ignoring the issues to "keep the peace".
Remembering every interaction that led to the accident, Anya's confession, his friends poorly disguised resentment, him ignoring and filtering details of his crew's mental state, her taking the gun, the notice, Jimmy.
Him being a coward and disguising his hate of confrontation with the guise of being a good friend.
And then comming back to reality, to is burning flesh. To the blood, shit and bile staining the bandages, robe and bed, to watching and hearing his friends suffer and die, unable to do anything.
When the kid dies, in the midst of all the emotional chaos, he feels some sick sense of relief knowing that probably Swansea will deal with both of them quickly and it'll be over at last.
Then Jimmy finds the gun.
And he can't help but laugh. He remembers the conversation they had and he cackles bitterly because not even in death can her wishes be respected. She trusted him and he failed her even after she was gone.
Soon enough it's just the two of them left.
Through muffled ears he hears Jimmy rambling, talking to himself, asking questions and answering right after, he sees him moving the bodies around. When Jimmy carries him from the infirmary to the common room table he's still as stone, not a sound leaves his mouth, he doesn't look at the bodies thrown on the chairs around the table, he doesn't even breathe.
But all of Jimmy's attention, hatred, idolatry, and envy are on him only. Eyes glossy, cut pieces of a one sided conversation and a tentative smile on his lips when he reaches for the slightly dented knife.
He screams until his lungs close and his throat burns. When he's fed parts of himself he cries and throws up until he is forced to swallow and keep it down.
He's dehidrated, half delirious from the blood loss and emotionally checked out when Jimmy picks him up and tells him they can still fix this, he knows what to do. That he's going home.
Sure, he thinks, he wants to go home.
When he's placed on the cryopod he just stares at Jimmy talk to himself at him some more, about being heroes and everything being all right now. Then he steps out of sight.
It's on the silence after the loud bang when his brain starts working again, he's completely and utterly alone on a crashed ship of a company that's closing it's doors, with a now depleted shipment that wasn't even important enough to guarantee a search party, and no way of fending for himself in the case of 20 years passing and no one coming, even less if the power gave out before that.
As the cryopod finally starts to cool, the few tears he has left fall from his remaining eye.
He hopes he doesn't wake up to see what happens next.
..ok see y'all when I wake up-
#I wish I was better at talking about the themes of the game and characterizing the crew. There's so much I wanna say-#I want to play the game again just to see if I missed anything in here but it's almost 6 am and my brain is shutting down#I would blame stress and insomnia on this but I legit think about this when I come across the tag again#I want to talk about his guilt of wishing he never helped jimmy get the job. how he wished he died first. how his crew didn't deserve it-#and *if* he makes it out. the surviors guilt. the trauma and the pain it would still chase him for the rest of his life#damn. in any sueing case the company could use him being traumatized and vulnerable to make him agree that it was all his fault-#I swear the rest of the time I imagine a what if AU where Jimmy gets yeeted into space by Swansea and they all live happily ever after#this is basically a fic at this point and I'm so sorry but I wrote too much to delete it all now in a state of post revision clarity lmao#me being a dumbass#mouthwashing#tw death#Ideally Anya would be the one throwing him into space. And Swansea would help her bc honestly fuck Jimmy#Curly would be held at arms length until they've gone back home. only left there to pilot them back safely#long ass post#long ass tags
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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I'm still thinking about that post about how female characters and especially wlw and f/f ships are treated in fandoms because I got a reply that I deleted on my post about how all the Nein were big shippers on deck for Beau and Yasha that boiled down to "haha Caleb making a tower so the useless lesbians would admit they liked each other!" and it's like. He made the tower to Beau's orders. She had already asked out Yasha, who in turn had of her own volition written Beau a phenomenal, beautiful letter instead of a poem as recommended by Jester. This is factually incorrect and obnoxiously dismissive of a genuinely great dynamic and attributes all agency to a man. When you say shit like this you sound like you are Chat GPT. No new thoughts no time actually spent analyzing a relationship dynamic just "ooh i see a woman in fiction what is the phrase most associated with this ok done onto the next task".
#whenever i post like 20 times before 8:15 am like this you need to understand it's bc my dumbass morning person body woke up at like 5:45 am#and i was like well i'm not getting back to sleep and then pounded 3 cups of coffee in an hour#just to give some context#also if i delete a reply or anon know that it's because i wanted to reply with something like this and (usually) restrained myself#which is very hard for me as an annoying person#like. it is very difficult to articulate this without sounding like some kind of well I don't see gender asshole and that isn't what i mean#but if you can only talk about wlw and women in general in overused memes that weren't funny the first time#you're clearly not like. spending time thinking about them. you can see this with repeated phrases#like the reason why repeated phrases in fanfic or in academic essays are looked down on is bc it shows you're not fucking thinking#you just grabbed what someone else said and said haha ok done i'm gonna go back to a busy day of eating markers
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how do you say "actually!!" in an excited to share way and not an "erm actually ☝️🤓" way??
#help how do you interact like a normal human???#yes i almost went on an enthusiastic rant about the earring™️ on a post i saw in passing#and then reread it and was like 'it sounds like im correcting them and being mean DELETE“#godddd one day i wont have anxiety even on the internet. not today tho#my dumbass#i may delete this later idk
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maybe i just need to stop writing so much nonsense and just draw whatever, whether i know what isnt good or what is, if it sucks then so be it
#ganondoodles talks#complicated feelings about everything#the conviction of just drawing whatever you like and if it sucks then so be it VS the mortifying idea of making something shitty and cringe#this isnt a reaction to anything btw this is just me looking at my own posts and going man what an idiot at myself#for both being so scared of my writing being bad but then also writing and posting it anyway#either do it with all your heart or keep it to yourself dumbass!!! *me yelling at myself in my head*#unfortunately i only realize these thing after writing and having it posted for a while#and at those points i dont want to delete it anymore bc it feels like im lying and if theres even a single comment i dont want it gone#i read it all i still dont know how to respond!!! *head in hands*#now then i turn to look at my drawing tablet and realize i need to change something about how i approach drawing bc its not fun rn#i have a special kind of hatred towards lineart but you just cnanot escape it ... lineless paintings take ages-#-and i always fuck them up the further i paint#like there is some disconnect between the foundation and the rendering- im good at rough colors but suck at details#not sure what to do but i will have to SOEMTHING#or i have to bite the bullet and do lineart eugheugheugegg#even when i do sketches for painting the sketch always looks better ... theres a dynamic that gets flattend and lost when i paint it
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Screenshot redraw of uhhhh that one scene in Underverse it's kinda bad but whatev lol
#undertale#utmv#kustard#underverse#xtale#why did it take me ten years to draw their heads and make them the right size#this is a bucket#dear god#theres more#no#yayayayayayayay#my dumbass deleted TikTok cuz I didn't know it was gonna get restored and now I can't use it wtf#i love eating dirt
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tagged by @menlove fuck you very much (affectionate <3) this was very difficult as an Album Girlie™️
rules: list your top 5 albums from your top 5 artists (can't have a repeat of the same artist) on a poll, so your followers can vote which album they think captures your vibe the best.
tagging @buckleydiazes @spookylestat @eriklehnsherrr @actuallyyangxiaolong @butchnoise @stereomike @mycupofstars @coffee-and-corsets and anyone else who might wanna do it!
#i had to delete and repost because i'm a dumbass and accidentally scrolled while i was trying to click the results button and MISSED#sorry to be basic with that last one i can't help it#also pour one out for nbt i don't see them getting votes💔 they're my FAVEEEE but not that popular#personal#poll#tagged
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people see a post talking about judaism and lose their ability to think it's truly amazing i think this should be researched and studied
#g-d help me and give me strength#i keep getting dumb comments on my post about fighting nazism#it's fine i just think 'you're a dumbass. die' and i delete them#but fucking hell
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One of my big compulsions is taking a fuck ton of screenshots Just In Case a piece of information is important in like 4 years and I can't remember it (sometimes the information is an instagram post that I might not remember later and of course needs to be recorded everywhere (I will Not be looking at that again)) so today is my transfer 16000 images off my phone admin day (woo)
Like yeah I never looked at any of them and they were completely irrelevant to my daily life, But what if I need them ✨️ later ✨️ (you'll see that the idea of Later is doing a lot of heavy lifting here) OR what if there's a vital piece of information in the mix somewhere that I'll lose forever if I delete them? So: onto the external hard drive they go
This is one of those cases where. Yeah. Ideally I wouldn't take 16000 screenshots in half a year. And YEAH ideally I'd just delete them and not transfer them somewhere else to never look at again. BUT at least I get a clean slate and I can maybe not mindlessly save everything for 2 seconds. It's like. Small wins? Progress. Yknow.
#rangnar rambles#i also use my tumblr drafts this way which is how i have probably 2000 drafts for this blog that are just? like me saving a post for 'later#and then theres too many in my drafts for me to even find *MY* drafts#i need to just hard reset the draft function bc its literally unusable for me#'matt this is all irrational and weird' by god. my irrational thoughts disorder makes me do weird shit? are you fr rn??? 😨😨#i get so stupidly in my own head and then i dont make progress towards Anything#even like a fun sideblog where i can actually yknow. post that 2k nightmare? i just cringe myself out like a dumbass 😔#i feel like ocd thoughts always sound lame out loud (and in my head to myself too)#like the Urgency doesnt come across#like in the moment i am Completely convinced that my national insurance number and bank deets are in there somewhere#and theres suddenly no way on earth i could ever find them again if i delete the picture. so to the hard drive they go#i Would go through that whole thing if i suddenly needed a screenshot from 2019 btw. like the crazy isnt theoretical#ive hallucinated gas leak smells before and woken up my flatmates bc i couldnt convince myself i was over reacting#its just cus the seasons have changed that everythings ramping up but omg its hard to do anything but spiral nowadays#thats a little dramatic but i am losing like. a quarter of the day to my ocd#its like. not great 😬#im not back to convincing myself i gave my dad cancer but i am not letting myself use half the kitchen again#but eh soo la voo we ball#HAH i checked my drafts after this and i was lowballing so hard#5.7k on this blog. 12k on my main 💀. its not funny but it kind of is#this is why youll never catch me running a queue#this is such a miserable post but i do feel the need to not let it sit in the drafts pile. to prove the point i guess 💀💀💀#'no one gives a shit this is your blog' 'oh my GOD WHAT IF PEOPLE GIVE A SHIT' <- omg shut upppp youre so embarassing 🙄#one more time for the gallery: i am like. aware that these feelings are irrational. like i am fine it just takes time for reality to kick in#ANYWAYS what was that who said that that was so weird im gonna go look at old romantic era paintings now#if tam is a screenshot fiend in the next fic u know what happened
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#so uh... what does it say about me when whenever a guy texts me and wants to hang out one on one i get lowkey panicky#i fully blame my last relationship that one. like it started with the guy flirting a lot and me very much not catching on until he told me#that he is into me and then it sorta went downhill from there and now im like... well if you wanna hang out one on one it could be fully#platonic but i also know i have no way of figuring that out cause im dense about these things#and the guy in question rn is so annoying cause half a year ago? i wouldve gone out with him no questions asked he was in a realtionship#but now he broke up with his partner of almost three years and im just... okay. and he broke up with them at the end of september and#didnt tell me (accidentally. we did not talk much and other friends corroborated that he just didnt realize he never told us. dumbass)#and like... okay hes been insistent on me finally visiting him (something that i started initially as a joke) and he asked me to#hang out twice so far. he never did that before and im just like... sir do you have a motif or not? whats your thing? sir?#and he sjust the latest case :/// always with a dude its either i know hes into someone else or in a relationship. tho its also only#with cishet guys so i fully fucking blame my ex cause no other gender or sexuality annoys me like that. like unless its a cishet man#i will always say yes to hanging out one on one immediately 100% and its just... annoying. i want to go out with my guy friends without#this fear#anyway in other news im going with the guy above to the movies on tuesday. he is a cinephile tho so movies is his go to hangout#also the annoying bit about this guy is that i am lowkey into him and ive been on record to other people saying that i would go out#with him. if he did not date my friend. who he broke up with. and its just... yeah. yeah.#also the friend is a history student and we both wanna stay in academia. and we would probably cross paths so just :///#hoping this guy specifically is fully platonic and that this eventually gets fixed cause help :///#delete later#im just super annoyed this has been happening more and more
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the usual once in a blue moon dino art HAHAHAH actually got into playing path of titans for once since I usually absolutely hate playing it but yn my little albino laten on WWD has me pretty in love rn LOL her mother Dixie named her Dove and her sister who shes seen comforting in the top image is Nightshade they are mourning their father Halos death eueueeuue
#path of titans#dinosaurs#latenivenatrix#dinosaur art#they amount of love i have for them should be obvious since I not only actually remember her name but also her whole familys names#let it be known i NEVER remember my dinosaurs familys names LSKAFLKVHF#i literally just call everyone by usernames but no i actually remember everyone#anyway playing her is fun since I just act like a dumbass the whole time#which is relaxing bc im naturally a dumbass#on another note stare at the 1st drawing for longer bc i like it more#JHKDDAJSF#i also deleted the images like 12 fucking times trying to figure out what to say and deleting the 1st 5 words and then the images#im going insane
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#my posts#...........................................................................................................................................#............................................................................................................................................#is that enough i think that's enough#yeah that's how its going#everything's been getting worse and I've been feeling very bad but also very pathetic and like complaining almost makes me feel worse but#i can't do anything else about this so like. vent post lmao bc I'm a dumbass#i truly just want to(redacted)but one of those isn't an option and the other i have a drs appointment soon and i don't want to explain that#everything is just. bad. and what isn't i feel like it's getting bad and it's my fault. and I'm probably right.#just. i hate it here#the deserving mentality is truly getting to me and i fucking hate it. it's not logical. I'll still agree with it.#i truly don't deserve the food stuff i can't keep in my life and i deserve the shit that in getting and i can't stop agreeing with that#'oh this classmate wants to have lunch with me on Saturday after working on something! i should cancel before it's too late-#-so i can continue feeling bad for being an apple bc people should hate me bc I'm horrible and don't deserve kindness' like#it's. it's false. it's not logical. and yet#everyone else there's the fucking plexiglass wall and where it wasn't i think it's getting formed and it is my fault probably#i am annoying that one is true#.... I've been making posts like this all day and deleting them bc I'm pathetic also. it's.#... there's a little too much going on lmao#nothing's worth it and i feel like shit and anything i could try to do about it doesn't work and I'm just tired#... in case someone does read this i know it sounds worrying but nothing will happen tbh I'm just a pathetic coward who's sad and tired#and tired of being sad in a way that feels like it's getting worse#I'm not very sure when was the last time i felt. this bad in just. i don't know how to make it stop lmao#also in already annoying so this is all i can do i think lmao#i think I'm seeing now I'm just. being redundant and if i keep this up too much i will delete this. and i should but. i don't think i will#also without saying much this year the one thing™ has been worse than usual and that's not helping either so it truly is just.#that everything is kinda very bad#.... yeah. whatever. it's just.¯\_(ツ)_/¯#... i truly wish killing myself was still an option like when i was a teen bit it's not so i just have to deal with whatever this is#... i hate being aware this is all super illogical bc the logical post of my brain teams up making me feel worse somehow.
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hate how im now at a point where im legit like kicking my legs and grinning like an idiot over fictional characters SEND HELP
#take One Guess who im talking about. YES ITS KOI BOI#hes so prettyyyyy and cute and lovely and i love looking at him i wanna hear him speak and laugh and sing just AAAAAAAAAAAA#(turns to my own brain) BITCH WE ARE MEANT TO BE AROACE WHY ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH TWO FICTIONAL CRIMINALS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?????#my brain: (that fuckin anime girl gif from evangelion (i think??))#like fuuuuuck man is it self shipping if u use a proxy? like. hes an oc but he's a stand in for me. he is me and i am him but we also arent#he is his own person and i am my own our lives are very very different but i use him to express love for Mad Dog and Koi Boy#cause they could actually love him if i were in their world i wouldnt stand a chance but my boy has one so he loves them for me#its far easier to imagine him kissing them than it is for me to imagine myself kissing them but that might be because im wired weird#idk it *feels* like it counts yknow. my dumbass out here gettin jealous when i see a Certain Ship cause like i disagree with it on#a Fundamental Level. and on TOP of that half the time the art is so CUTE and im like 'motherfucker that should be ME' or i guess my lad but#STILL am i making sense?? doesnt help that i worry im like. misreading what content i have but also fuck you i can do what i want and also#i get him more than yall kgyugkhjhk (jk jk. Unless) basically when i call them my boyfriends i fuckin mean it#look its Real Missing Nishiki Hours i love him i wanna kiss his perfect face someone shoulda shown him love i could save him and he could#make me worse <3 I Want Him#and do not get me wrong i may be focused on him but Majima is still my wifey too!!! hes mine you cant have her <3#i just have koi boy brainrot i very much desire them Both (YES THAT MIGHT BE WHY I SHIP THEM TOO LOOK I ALSO THINK THEYD WORK WELL TOGETHER#OR AT LEAST HAVE A FUN DYNAMIC TO EXPLORE I SHOULD DATE THEM AND THEY SHOULD DATE EACH OTHER WE ALL HAVE 2 HANDS)#might delete this in the mornin who knows but im feelin silly i wanna talk about them i wanna talk about my boy but idk if ppl would really#GET IT yknow i can think of maybe Two People and that INCLUDES bestie but just aaaa point is i love my koi boy so much hes so lovely <3 <3
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imsoo normal about guys byw
#sprry this is the start of my downfall im actually going to theow up and vomit and die#fronting daily actually sucks!and i have no restraint on my curiiusity and i have to figure shit out and i literally want to die#cause like i found out shit i didnt want to and its entirely my fault too bro i cant even be upset cause i went looking for it ughhh#i should be allowed to die afterschool so i dont have to feel anything else tbh thatd be a pleasure great thing whwatever#this is genuinelky the repeat of my downfall again literally september all over again and its just march jesus fucking fhrist bro need todi#the nervous system is so dumb what is ooottfvgvsh or whagevr i hate that dumbass acronym i hate healrhcare#serenity save me 🙏 save me serenity 🙏 come home#everyone keeps sayng that but qith donald trump#anyway back to me i need to scream and not just to serenity cause i feel bad🤭 no emojis are tood enougu anymore bro im going to kms#killing myself so fucking hard like a vampire driving a stake through his heart sort of shit ykwim like a siren drowning ro sokething poeti#save me sid 🙏 sid save me actually hed laugh at me for hthis lowkey which is soo deserved cause real bro why am i breaking down at midnight#on a dchool day too bro again and again i dont want to go to mf schooll and be obsessed w k. hes fine but i genuinely cant do my work#lowkey would iet be weird to talk to my ex ab my relationship with him cause like yea i miss him ykwim and i need closure but i got a crush#cause like on one hand its like i was the one who brokenup ykwim like even if the circumstances werewei4d whatever its like why would i hav#the right to even bring it up and i alr crushed on a new guy and like ignoring the uguult i do like him ughh broni want to kms#i love love i just dont love lvoe for myself cause ugh bro i hare one guy idc ab his crushes but he made me hear ab them lke idc idek him#sorry u had a bad experience w bi girls like idk what u want me to say ??? surprise me too ??? tff ugh i hate love girls#i need a gf but the thoigjt of liking a girl genuinely deeply scares me to my core cause i like girls but ppl dont like that i do ykwim#all mu friends are fucking gay bro idek why im so worried ab liking girls like who is there to disappoint but myself and my entire family#noo pressure qt all being oldest and queerest like ok yeah its midnight happy new years. i need this blanket tobsuffocste me#sleep wrappedup alr like a borito burito i dek and its not enoughh i need a soul crushing embrafe to sleep#ok im done i got post vent clarity i need to sleep#post#erics tag#delete later#serenity needs this as a ref in the morning#i beed my mom to cry to but j cant tell her any of this id rather be eaten alive by bugsbro and if i just cry to her without a reason#shell fs go througj my phone and fimd out why anyway so wjats the pointtt my god i tqlk too much and vent too much#gota flair forbthe dramatics ivguess mb
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